Day #7- Irrelevance...

I feel really closed and irrelevant. Im starting to not care completely. I dont want to end my life or anything but I want to go away. Having noone to talk to seriously about the issues I have but every other week  and an ocassional conversation with my best friend is not enough. To not bbe able to feel comfortable crying even by myself is  stressful. To not sleep unless I am completely unaware of  falling asleep, loosing hours of my day to feel normal when Im still not sure what it feels like. I need human contact but I dont want it or know how to do it. Im generic when its that kind of situation. To not have someone to physically touch and bond with and completely understand what Im going through (even I have a hard time understanding and I have researched it continuously) is weighing on me. Trying to be strong and smile and ignore the comments is not helping. These days have been going downhill for me. I think going on this family reunion trip without support broke me down to a low level. I just want to get away and go to far place and disappear from everyone for a few days... No years but unfortunately I cant. Getting false help from folks who know nothing of what Im going through or even trying. I want to cry... I think my anxiety disorder is transforming into depression. Yes I know anxiety is a formof depression but it is also seperate but can be linked in most cases. In my case, it is becoming overbearing. I just.... Thanks~~

Vlog #5- Me and Kpop

Talking about my relationship with Kpop and how I am not a Kpop Addict.

Dont shoot meh!!

New posts hmmm.

Im thinking about the following things:

1. start a Kpop thread with lyrics and translations
2. to add to #1 my thoughts on the song
3. Love talk- Korean phrase a week with a Love talk phrase ranging from hello to lets go do "it" lol
4. talk about my art and show it once a week
5. figure out how to get more subscribers for my blog and youtube channel...
6. Change my blog design

thats my thoughts

Vlog #4- Big Bang and 2NE1... WTH man???

Not Korean but Kpop and how I am in a dilemma lol

Dont shoot meh!!

Day 4... adventurer well i guess

Hello again!!

Okay so these past few days this medicine works like a charm. I am feeling what what it feel like to feel normal and not normal. I know normally you dont feel your heartbeat and abnormally you constantly feel your hearbeat. My mind and body is coming to terms with this not completely yet but it is. This weekend I went out with my sister, cousin and aunt. I was so scared that I might have an attack or start breathing funny or something wrong. But I chose to ignore those toughts and it went fine. I did have instances where my heartrate increased and became loud but I did my breathing exercise and try to distract myself with the things in the mall. Me and my cousin talked about mental illness because she has been through something herself not anxiety but her own problems. that was nice although it was cut short... So I stepped out of my room and explored the world... well just the mall and it seemed like a new experience. I am so used to staying indoors and now in my room all day everyday, that I got tired really quickly and became drained. My eyes were red and I was pale. I was tired. I do go to the gym so its lack of exercise. I think its lack of human exposure that drained me.... My mind and body has been trying to play tricks on me lately though. It tells me to check my pulse. I refuse its been a week or so and I am proud of myself. As tempted as I may be, even now as I write this, I will not... A new symptom has popped up and it makes me feel like I have the wind spand of a windmill. Like I can hold my breath forever and be fine. but I think thats due to my anxiety as well because it is a common trait among anxiety sufferes to hold their breath without knowing so it makes it seem like i can sing a note forever when in fact I cant. I have to to get that under control.. hmmmm...

I guess thats all so bye bye!!

Day 3~~

Not my room lol

My room, My sanctuary, its crowded.

I have been good. I am starting to come to realize what normal feels like. I think posting the youtube videos and praciting/studying Korean is helping me go back to way things were inside of me. Kind of theraputic! It keeps me busy and not worried or thinking about my heart or lungs having problems. One thing I will refuse to be is a hypochondriac. I want to be free from this one day and i feel it is coming soon. These past few days I have stayed in my room. I only leave to get food, the bathroom, and to speak to my grandmother because she is lonely(smh)... I stay in my room sleeping on the floor because its equivalent to the couch. I have tried sleeping in my bed many times since this all began but it makes my symptoms worse and I cant sleep at all.I dont know if I said it before but it all started in bed when I was sleeping when I had an anxiety or panic attack. It felt like I had a heart attack and my heart stopped. worse feeling ever. I havent had another one since then. This week the only things that had me anxious was shortness of breath and heart palpitations which I have ways to help with that. My family has just been quiet about me staying in my room, not really knowing what to say but some send little messages that are sweet. Being in my room is satisfying but its also crowded. Hmmmm... I guess thats all for now

Thanks~~

Day 2!! and then some..

My anxiety

These past few days have been good and bad, well... more bad then good.

I wont go into detail like the 1st post because its been days but I have been crying or on the verge of tears alot. I feel I am surrounded by family that dont understand or try to. I feel constantly ridiculed for my behavior that at this time is hard to control. No they arent disrespecting me or calling me bad names or anything like thhat. And no im not doing anything destructive or harmful to myself or anyone. I just feel demeaned or to better explain like I am stupid and what I am going through is stupid and not important. Its bad enough I feel like a failure in myy personal life goals. I cant stand people who think I am an idiot. Anything I dont understand, I go understand it. Anything that seems wrong or right, i go find out why. I am very knowledgeable. I like to know things, I may not like to read books but I do read sometimes, rarely but I do research. I have reasons for things I find reasons for things. The people I am surrounded by make me feel disheartened, sad, angry, and filled with malice sometimes. I am tired of hearing the same thing, being questioned on everything I do. It makes me sick, its making me sick. I know I have my own issues to solve which is why I have counseling every other friday but they are not helping. How do I tell them they are apart of the problem.

Physically, nothing to much has happened and I was prescribed a new medicine that I have to take twice a day. It makes all the difference. If you suffer from anxiety or depression, seek help tell your doctor or therapist everything so you can get through the days. I dont rely on it but it helps me with my breathing issues that have come with this.

P.S. I havent checked my pulse in a week!!! I am proud of myself!!

Thanks~~