Day #7- Irrelevance...

I feel really closed and irrelevant. Im starting to not care completely. I dont want to end my life or anything but I want to go away. Having noone to talk to seriously about the issues I have but every other week  and an ocassional conversation with my best friend is not enough. To not bbe able to feel comfortable crying even by myself is  stressful. To not sleep unless I am completely unaware of  falling asleep, loosing hours of my day to feel normal when Im still not sure what it feels like. I need human contact but I dont want it or know how to do it. Im generic when its that kind of situation. To not have someone to physically touch and bond with and completely understand what Im going through (even I have a hard time understanding and I have researched it continuously) is weighing on me. Trying to be strong and smile and ignore the comments is not helping. These days have been going downhill for me. I think going on this family reunion trip without support broke me down to a low level. I just want to get away and go to far place and disappear from everyone for a few days... No years but unfortunately I cant. Getting false help from folks who know nothing of what Im going through or even trying. I want to cry... I think my anxiety disorder is transforming into depression. Yes I know anxiety is a formof depression but it is also seperate but can be linked in most cases. In my case, it is becoming overbearing. I just.... Thanks~~

Day #6- Where's My Muchness?

 

I feel really ugly this evening. Not just oh im not pretty, I want to pretty, but ugly. My self esteem is at an all time low right now to where I want to cry. Im in Atlanta right now and I just feel so ugly... Its hard enough to not be able to sleep now without motivation of a movie or tv/animation series. I hate having these ups and downs. I am shallow breathing and feeling my old urges and thoughts coming back. I keep trying to tell myself "I am fine and healthy and pretty" but these past days when I get in front of the mirror and try to say it, I freeze up and leave and do whatever I have planned. I feel my 할머니 is becoming an annoyance to me, no not just her but 여러분. I feel trapped and crowded. As in the words of the Mad Hatter from Alice in Wonderland, Tim Burtons adaption, "You've lost your muchness." I am losing my muchness and not sure how to bring it back...

Thanks>>

Day 5- Its getting good

Feeling Good

I don't have much to say now. I have been pretty good, maybe a little shallow breathing but it occurs at night most of the time. I have started to ease out of room like leaving the door unlocked or open but that just cannot happen with the family I live with so now I will continue to keep my door closed and locked unless otherwise. My therapist tells me I am under a lot of stress living in my home and being around my family. She said its because they don't understand what I am going through and will not research it but still try to give me advice on what to do. They also handle me with roughness and sarcastic comments like it helps. It does not. Any ways, personally and physically I am doing waaaaaay better than I was 3 weeks ago. I still sleep on my floor in my room . I don't think I am ready to try the bed yet. I have been helping my self-esteem by posting and starting my YouTube channel which requires me to look presentable. So dressing up a bit has been helping me feel better about myself. It also has been helping me with social anxiety or better yet shyness. I am trying to use Skype so that can help also but I am sooooo nervous and scared that I feel it makes the other people who want to Skype me feel bad about even adding me... ahhhhhh.. Overall I feel better for the most part.

Oh and This weekend I am going to Atlanta GA for a family reunion. I am hoping that will give me some good therapeutic space from my room since I'm in here all the time, so it should be fun. I'm going to the zoo ^o^ !!!(kid moment)

Thanks~~

Day 4... adventurer well i guess

Hello again!!

Okay so these past few days this medicine works like a charm. I am feeling what what it feel like to feel normal and not normal. I know normally you dont feel your heartbeat and abnormally you constantly feel your hearbeat. My mind and body is coming to terms with this not completely yet but it is. This weekend I went out with my sister, cousin and aunt. I was so scared that I might have an attack or start breathing funny or something wrong. But I chose to ignore those toughts and it went fine. I did have instances where my heartrate increased and became loud but I did my breathing exercise and try to distract myself with the things in the mall. Me and my cousin talked about mental illness because she has been through something herself not anxiety but her own problems. that was nice although it was cut short... So I stepped out of my room and explored the world... well just the mall and it seemed like a new experience. I am so used to staying indoors and now in my room all day everyday, that I got tired really quickly and became drained. My eyes were red and I was pale. I was tired. I do go to the gym so its lack of exercise. I think its lack of human exposure that drained me.... My mind and body has been trying to play tricks on me lately though. It tells me to check my pulse. I refuse its been a week or so and I am proud of myself. As tempted as I may be, even now as I write this, I will not... A new symptom has popped up and it makes me feel like I have the wind spand of a windmill. Like I can hold my breath forever and be fine. but I think thats due to my anxiety as well because it is a common trait among anxiety sufferes to hold their breath without knowing so it makes it seem like i can sing a note forever when in fact I cant. I have to to get that under control.. hmmmm...

I guess thats all so bye bye!!

Day 2!! and then some..

My anxiety

These past few days have been good and bad, well... more bad then good.

I wont go into detail like the 1st post because its been days but I have been crying or on the verge of tears alot. I feel I am surrounded by family that dont understand or try to. I feel constantly ridiculed for my behavior that at this time is hard to control. No they arent disrespecting me or calling me bad names or anything like thhat. And no im not doing anything destructive or harmful to myself or anyone. I just feel demeaned or to better explain like I am stupid and what I am going through is stupid and not important. Its bad enough I feel like a failure in myy personal life goals. I cant stand people who think I am an idiot. Anything I dont understand, I go understand it. Anything that seems wrong or right, i go find out why. I am very knowledgeable. I like to know things, I may not like to read books but I do read sometimes, rarely but I do research. I have reasons for things I find reasons for things. The people I am surrounded by make me feel disheartened, sad, angry, and filled with malice sometimes. I am tired of hearing the same thing, being questioned on everything I do. It makes me sick, its making me sick. I know I have my own issues to solve which is why I have counseling every other friday but they are not helping. How do I tell them they are apart of the problem.

Physically, nothing to much has happened and I was prescribed a new medicine that I have to take twice a day. It makes all the difference. If you suffer from anxiety or depression, seek help tell your doctor or therapist everything so you can get through the days. I dont rely on it but it helps me with my breathing issues that have come with this.

P.S. I havent checked my pulse in a week!!! I am proud of myself!!

Thanks~~