Day 5- Its getting good

Feeling Good

I don't have much to say now. I have been pretty good, maybe a little shallow breathing but it occurs at night most of the time. I have started to ease out of room like leaving the door unlocked or open but that just cannot happen with the family I live with so now I will continue to keep my door closed and locked unless otherwise. My therapist tells me I am under a lot of stress living in my home and being around my family. She said its because they don't understand what I am going through and will not research it but still try to give me advice on what to do. They also handle me with roughness and sarcastic comments like it helps. It does not. Any ways, personally and physically I am doing waaaaaay better than I was 3 weeks ago. I still sleep on my floor in my room . I don't think I am ready to try the bed yet. I have been helping my self-esteem by posting and starting my YouTube channel which requires me to look presentable. So dressing up a bit has been helping me feel better about myself. It also has been helping me with social anxiety or better yet shyness. I am trying to use Skype so that can help also but I am sooooo nervous and scared that I feel it makes the other people who want to Skype me feel bad about even adding me... ahhhhhh.. Overall I feel better for the most part.

Oh and This weekend I am going to Atlanta GA for a family reunion. I am hoping that will give me some good therapeutic space from my room since I'm in here all the time, so it should be fun. I'm going to the zoo ^o^ !!!(kid moment)

Thanks~~

New posts hmmm.

Im thinking about the following things:

1. start a Kpop thread with lyrics and translations
2. to add to #1 my thoughts on the song
3. Love talk- Korean phrase a week with a Love talk phrase ranging from hello to lets go do "it" lol
4. talk about my art and show it once a week
5. figure out how to get more subscribers for my blog and youtube channel...
6. Change my blog design

thats my thoughts

Vlog #4- Big Bang and 2NE1... WTH man???

Not Korean but Kpop and how I am in a dilemma lol

Dont shoot meh!!

Practice #7

Back to Back...

Dont shoot meh!

Practice #6

Some more practice ^-^

Dont shoot meh!

Day 4... adventurer well i guess

Hello again!!

Okay so these past few days this medicine works like a charm. I am feeling what what it feel like to feel normal and not normal. I know normally you dont feel your heartbeat and abnormally you constantly feel your hearbeat. My mind and body is coming to terms with this not completely yet but it is. This weekend I went out with my sister, cousin and aunt. I was so scared that I might have an attack or start breathing funny or something wrong. But I chose to ignore those toughts and it went fine. I did have instances where my heartrate increased and became loud but I did my breathing exercise and try to distract myself with the things in the mall. Me and my cousin talked about mental illness because she has been through something herself not anxiety but her own problems. that was nice although it was cut short... So I stepped out of my room and explored the world... well just the mall and it seemed like a new experience. I am so used to staying indoors and now in my room all day everyday, that I got tired really quickly and became drained. My eyes were red and I was pale. I was tired. I do go to the gym so its lack of exercise. I think its lack of human exposure that drained me.... My mind and body has been trying to play tricks on me lately though. It tells me to check my pulse. I refuse its been a week or so and I am proud of myself. As tempted as I may be, even now as I write this, I will not... A new symptom has popped up and it makes me feel like I have the wind spand of a windmill. Like I can hold my breath forever and be fine. but I think thats due to my anxiety as well because it is a common trait among anxiety sufferes to hold their breath without knowing so it makes it seem like i can sing a note forever when in fact I cant. I have to to get that under control.. hmmmm...

I guess thats all so bye bye!!

Day 3~~

Not my room lol

My room, My sanctuary, its crowded.

I have been good. I am starting to come to realize what normal feels like. I think posting the youtube videos and praciting/studying Korean is helping me go back to way things were inside of me. Kind of theraputic! It keeps me busy and not worried or thinking about my heart or lungs having problems. One thing I will refuse to be is a hypochondriac. I want to be free from this one day and i feel it is coming soon. These past few days I have stayed in my room. I only leave to get food, the bathroom, and to speak to my grandmother because she is lonely(smh)... I stay in my room sleeping on the floor because its equivalent to the couch. I have tried sleeping in my bed many times since this all began but it makes my symptoms worse and I cant sleep at all.I dont know if I said it before but it all started in bed when I was sleeping when I had an anxiety or panic attack. It felt like I had a heart attack and my heart stopped. worse feeling ever. I havent had another one since then. This week the only things that had me anxious was shortness of breath and heart palpitations which I have ways to help with that. My family has just been quiet about me staying in my room, not really knowing what to say but some send little messages that are sweet. Being in my room is satisfying but its also crowded. Hmmmm... I guess thats all for now

Thanks~~