Korean Word of the Day

회고 사원 - Mosque

          ex. 회고 사원에서는 무슬림교인들이 매일 기도를

                합니다.  - At a Mosque, muslims pray everyday.

다리 - Leg

          ex. 비가 오면 다리에 통중이 옵니다.  - I have pain in my

                legs when it rains.

과일 - Fruit

          ex.  하루에 적어도 한번씩 과일을 먹는게 좋습니다. -

                 You should eat fruit at least once a day.

초- Candle

          ex. 정전을 대비에서 초를 준비해 두세요.  - Keep candles

                handy just in case the electricity goes out.

웨이트리스 - Waitress

          ex.  웨이트리스가 쟁반에 컵을 들고 있어요.-

                 The waitress is holding a tray with glasses.

Study hard study good ^-^



Day 5- Its getting good

Feeling Good

I don't have much to say now. I have been pretty good, maybe a little shallow breathing but it occurs at night most of the time. I have started to ease out of room like leaving the door unlocked or open but that just cannot happen with the family I live with so now I will continue to keep my door closed and locked unless otherwise. My therapist tells me I am under a lot of stress living in my home and being around my family. She said its because they don't understand what I am going through and will not research it but still try to give me advice on what to do. They also handle me with roughness and sarcastic comments like it helps. It does not. Any ways, personally and physically I am doing waaaaaay better than I was 3 weeks ago. I still sleep on my floor in my room . I don't think I am ready to try the bed yet. I have been helping my self-esteem by posting and starting my YouTube channel which requires me to look presentable. So dressing up a bit has been helping me feel better about myself. It also has been helping me with social anxiety or better yet shyness. I am trying to use Skype so that can help also but I am sooooo nervous and scared that I feel it makes the other people who want to Skype me feel bad about even adding me... ahhhhhh.. Overall I feel better for the most part.

Oh and This weekend I am going to Atlanta GA for a family reunion. I am hoping that will give me some good therapeutic space from my room since I'm in here all the time, so it should be fun. I'm going to the zoo ^o^ !!!(kid moment)

Thanks~~

Day 3~~

Not my room lol

My room, My sanctuary, its crowded.

I have been good. I am starting to come to realize what normal feels like. I think posting the youtube videos and praciting/studying Korean is helping me go back to way things were inside of me. Kind of theraputic! It keeps me busy and not worried or thinking about my heart or lungs having problems. One thing I will refuse to be is a hypochondriac. I want to be free from this one day and i feel it is coming soon. These past few days I have stayed in my room. I only leave to get food, the bathroom, and to speak to my grandmother because she is lonely(smh)... I stay in my room sleeping on the floor because its equivalent to the couch. I have tried sleeping in my bed many times since this all began but it makes my symptoms worse and I cant sleep at all.I dont know if I said it before but it all started in bed when I was sleeping when I had an anxiety or panic attack. It felt like I had a heart attack and my heart stopped. worse feeling ever. I havent had another one since then. This week the only things that had me anxious was shortness of breath and heart palpitations which I have ways to help with that. My family has just been quiet about me staying in my room, not really knowing what to say but some send little messages that are sweet. Being in my room is satisfying but its also crowded. Hmmmm... I guess thats all for now

Thanks~~

Day 2!! and then some..

My anxiety

These past few days have been good and bad, well... more bad then good.

I wont go into detail like the 1st post because its been days but I have been crying or on the verge of tears alot. I feel I am surrounded by family that dont understand or try to. I feel constantly ridiculed for my behavior that at this time is hard to control. No they arent disrespecting me or calling me bad names or anything like thhat. And no im not doing anything destructive or harmful to myself or anyone. I just feel demeaned or to better explain like I am stupid and what I am going through is stupid and not important. Its bad enough I feel like a failure in myy personal life goals. I cant stand people who think I am an idiot. Anything I dont understand, I go understand it. Anything that seems wrong or right, i go find out why. I am very knowledgeable. I like to know things, I may not like to read books but I do read sometimes, rarely but I do research. I have reasons for things I find reasons for things. The people I am surrounded by make me feel disheartened, sad, angry, and filled with malice sometimes. I am tired of hearing the same thing, being questioned on everything I do. It makes me sick, its making me sick. I know I have my own issues to solve which is why I have counseling every other friday but they are not helping. How do I tell them they are apart of the problem.

Physically, nothing to much has happened and I was prescribed a new medicine that I have to take twice a day. It makes all the difference. If you suffer from anxiety or depression, seek help tell your doctor or therapist everything so you can get through the days. I dont rely on it but it helps me with my breathing issues that have come with this.

P.S. I havent checked my pulse in a week!!! I am proud of myself!!

Thanks~~

Day 1, It Was A Good Day!



Painting by me!!

Good Day

Today was very mellow. When I was waken by my aunt at 7:30am only to have just fell asleep at 5:30am, I felt light. My pulse, skin, head, and body all felt light. It is a feeling I get when I wake up and it scares me especially my pulse being light or non-existent scares me to not go back to sleep because i dont want my heart to stop and I die. So I wait until I fall asleep unknowingly only to be awaken at 10am and asked why I am so sleepy -_-...  So when I finally give up trying to sleep and is sluggish and aware of my heartbeat because it felt kind of heavy and hard to take a deep breath. Eventually after getting dressed and refraining from cheking my pulse it got better andwe(my aunt and I) left her house to bring me back home, it was around 12:30pm. So we go to Costco to get some crossants for my grandmother and the household and then carry on our way down the road back to Maryland since she lived in Virginia. As time progressed I realized I still havent eaten and it was making me antsy and my heartrate was getting irregular so I started to check it but my aunt realized this and we started talking distracting myy from my minds thoughts of thinking I would die right in the car. yes scary thoughts. So eventually hunger got the best of me and I convinced her to stop and get something to eat because I was breathing a little heavier by this point. Once I ate I felt great and we eventually made it home. I was happy but my heartrate rose due to the fact I had to haul all our stuff to my apartment myself so it put me into kind of a relapse of checking my pulse but eventually it settled down when I sat down and relaxed and occupied my mind. So eventually I took a shower to calm myself down more and it helped!! so since 6pm I have been fine and have not checked my pulse and kept my mind and mouth busy with activities and food! Compared to yesterday where I checked my pulse all day until my neck became sore and hurt it was a good day!!

Okay Bye~~